Should I step in front of the speeding car?

That's what I just asked myself as I did my evening walk. This black car was coming right toward me, and for a second, I thought about stepping out in front - but then I stopped (obviously). That's not the first time I've had a thought like that. So why do I think about it?

Because I feel like I don't exist.

When you post your newest product TWICE to a list of other jewelry folks (over 600) and you ask for comments...suggestions on a name...etc...and no one responds to you, but they are responding to others who post their new work - you feel like you don't exist. That's the way I felt yesterday - like I'm sitting here in a room full of people who can't even see me. Makes me want to scream and yell and rant, just to say HEY! I'm here too! But then I don't want to appear like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum...although I sure felt like I wanted to throw one. This isn't the first time this has happened either....it has been happening to me since I've been on the net and on mailing lists. It's not just that list either...it happens on most of my lists - with the exception of the one marketing list I'm on of a select few group of people...thank God they act like I exist...or I might have stepped in front of that car.

So...I've signed off most of my lists for a while. No sense in rubbing it in. I figured since no one seems to notice I exist, they won't notice I'm no longer there.

I seem to keep drawing this issue to me with all but a few people (God bless them...they are keeping me alive) who are in my life. There are many people in my "real life" who also don't seem to care one iota...unless they want something from me. Then - amazingly - I suddenly exist!

After my walk - I really wanted to have a beer. Actually, I wanted to have many more than one. But for several reasons, I don't want to have one. One reason is because of the extra calories. One reason is because I know it won't provide the answer and it just kills the pain for a little while...and then it comes back. In order to ensure relief from the pain, a person must keep on drinking...and next thing you know, you're one step away - or are already - an alcoholic. And I really don't want to become an alcoholic. Mainly I don't want to become a "recovering alcoholic"...because the experiences I've had with the people in recovery in my life have not been good. Because I don't exist to them.

I'm one of these people who others seem to come to when they want therapy. I do really good at that (and actually have certifications in certain fields...though I don't practice professionally). But once they don't need my "talk therapy" any more, I no longer exist.

Yet when *I* need therapy or some general "talk therapy" there is no one to talk to but me. And that's okay sometimes, but other times, I really wish there was someone I could talk to here. If I made enough money, I could actually have insurance and possibly go for professional therapy myself, but alas that would require quite a bit of sales, and in that area I only exist to a few customers who unfortunately don't have unlimited funds to keep buying my work.

So my thinking is, maybe someday I'll come up with a great idea which might actually appeal to a lot of people, and I'll actually start making a decent living again. Unfortunately, I don't think that will happen until I figure out why I keep this "I don't exist" energy around me. I know it's MY responsibility and it's something in MY thinking and I could probably tell someone else exactly how to fix this issue in their own life...but I can't seem to tell myself. Probably because I don't believe I'm worthy of existing!

Geez....I might just have to have a beer tonight after all. Thank God for tomorrows...a new day...a new chance...a new attitude perhaps. Lord knows I need that!